My 2014 Client Wish List

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I’m all about new beginnings. For many, new beginnings come only on January 1st. We save up all our promises and resolutions and create lists on how we’ll become a better person, and for one glorious day we start anew and, damned if we don’t make it almost a week. Frankly, every day is a new beginning for me; no need to dwell on what I might have done (wrong) yesterday. But I’m also all about people pleasing, so I’m willing to play along and do a New Year’s list. And, if this list happens to grab the attention of one of my four faves and they want to change agents, well, you won’t see me complaining. So without any further ado, my 2014 Client Wish List – Four Wants and Four Do Not Wants.

WANT

4) Jennifer Aniston – not only could she bring me the vig but it would keep her close, and I wouldn’t have to love her from such a distance.

3) Jennifer Lawrence – talent, brains, beauty. However, she reminds me of my rule that I do not date anyone whom I could technically have been involved in their conception.

2) Portia de Rossi – not only was she great in Arrested Development, she is also the only woman who could influence me to get a sex change operation.

1) Honey Boo Boo – actually, this would be more of a relief effort; to make sure that, under my control, she would not have any further dealings with the entertainment industry until she is over the age of twenty-one.

DO NOT WANT

4) Lindsay Lohan – she’s like a toaster you buy at Wal-Mart; it works for a while, but you know any day now, it’ll break.

3) Miley Cyrus – she is simply trying too hard, way too hard. The attention-whore thing shouldn’t be so difficult. She has talent; too bad it’s smothered by all her bad decisions and a tongue only a fan of the Rolling Stones could appreciate.

2) Kim Kardashian – 1+1=3 – me thinks talent was forgotten somewhere in the equation. When does the world wake up from this nightmare? The thing that bothers me the most is that I have to be exposed to this for the rest of my life.

1) The chick who married that guy from Lost – someone needs to slap the silly out of her (and please, tell her no more fish lips)

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